…and I thought about you yesterday and all the days before that too. I think of you in silence and talk to you in my mind. I often speak your name. But all I have are memories and a few pictures in a frame. But your memory is like a keepsake for me, one from which I will never part. I have you in my heart…
I’ve been lurking, reading everyone’s posts for about a year now. I have not given back. I have not posted a thing. Why? I’ve got TOO much to say so much so that I don’t know what to say first…I want to write, I crave writing. I have so many topics I could post, but some strange affliction has keep me from putting into words that which I’m dealing with. THIS is my first post, and my attempt to try to get past that crippling hurtle…
July is a tough month for me. It’s the anniversary of our independence day in America. It is my son Austin’s birthday month, but I don’t know where he is. Haven’t heard from him in almost 4 years now and that’s hard…but that’s subject of another post someday. July is also the month when Mike was born. July is also the month when Mike was first diagnosed—with death, aka pancreatic cancer.
Our wedding anniversary is in July and my mother’s birthday is was in July.
It’s a curious thing that this month has so much weight, so much importance to me yet no one outside of ME knows it. I wonder if it shows…how this month hurts. I wonder if it shows that this month is significant but I keep it to myself because it seems to me that its only significant to me so why bring it up? If I mention it at all, its with disconnection…I tick off the days one after the other as if they happened to someone else and I’m merely relaying a story that belongs to someone else. No emotion, no feeling, no thoughts about the dates because they are only significant to me. Besides, no one really cares about what used to be my life.
When August begins I breathe a sigh of relief and give thanks that I got through what I know is a tough month. I also think, all I have to get through in August is the day of my dad’s death which was two days before his birthday. I can handle that!
I’m finding myself thinking about Mike a lot more often these days. I wonder if he’s looking down on me from Heaven and just shaking his head and the stupid things I’ve done since he died. I wonder where my son is and I wonder if he’ll ever come back. I think about my mother too but not much as she had a tendency to be mean. I understand what may have caused that meanness…her parents sending her to boarding school when she was young and never letting her come home, her parents caring more about her brother than her…she was misunderstood and it turned to anger and bitterness. But I get that, I guess. I wonder if she’s found peace and quiet and acceptance in Heaven where I know she is today.
I have found myself talking to Mike…in my head…more now than I have ever done before. I still miss him very much to this very day. I miss that one person that knew me so well–maybe even better than I knew myself. I miss that person that loved me completely, faults and all, and loved me in spite of them or because of them.
I miss my best friend. I miss my champion. I miss my husband. I miss him, still. Even now I miss him. But its been too long to talk about anymore. Its been too long for it to be a matter of fact of my life. Its been too long for most people. But it feels like yesterday some days.
Its been long enough that it is a private affair now, between me, God and Mike. No one knows what I mean unless they’ve been through it, are in it and that’s alright with me, sort of. But it does give me a sense of extreme loneliness sometimes that I live in a world of what could have been, what should have been and what isn’t…and that hurts.
Daily Prompt: Turn, Turn, Turn
For many of us, winter is blooming into Spring, or fall hardening into winter. Which season do you most look forward to?
I look forward to Spring. Shedding the winter gloom from mind, body and spirit that for me is so utterly depressing. During winter the trees and plants are bare and often I look at them wondering if they are dead. I worry too that they are dead because I spent some money and a lot of effort landscaping my yard.
I know plants go dormant but that isn’t enough to convince me that they are still alive. I need Spring to come. I need the last snowfall, the last frost to be history because I need to see the new growth in plants. When the calendar indicates that Spring is coming I clean out the birdfeeders, I ready the garden for planting of new vegetables, I prune off the dead growth and I wait for the weather to change. I love the hummingbirds, butterflies, new bunnies, quail and the birds nesting on the patio.
I don’t really do well in the cold winter months. Never mind the short, dark, cold, and gloomy days. The cold brings physical pain for me as well with all my broken bones from a motorcycle accident. I need Spring to come so I can start to defrost! So the pain will abate and I can get back to living again!
Where I live, Mother Nature tends to be fickle. We recently had a couple of days of 80-degree temperatures. A few weeks ago it was snowing. It will reach 110 on most days in the summer. Today however, it is about 50 and windy. Forecast warns us to be prepared for 80 mph wind gusts.
Health advisories for the area due to high winds are in effect. Air Quality Index (AQI) may reach levels unsafe for sensitive individuals, according to the advisory, so those with respiratory, heart or lung diseases should minimize outdoor activity.
Oh great! Nothing stays put in such winds. For the record it is always windy where I live but we’re used to 25 mph wind gusts, 80 is pushing it! Even for us!
Signs are waving in the wind, threatening to come loose from their poles. Tumble weeds the size of small cars are rolling unfettered down the street; Trees are trying to bend with the wind and not break; the blue sky is gone, eclipsed by the tan dust clouds. The sun is trying hard to shine through but at best it is just a soft glowing orange ball in the sky right now.
Small animals and children definitely need to stay inside unless they want to inadvertently find themselves living a reality version of Wizard of Oz.
I hate the wind. I hate the noise it makes. I hate the dust that is created from these winds. The general populace does not see the value in landscaping. The towns do not see the value in sidewalks or streetlights in the outlining areas so there are miles and miles of dirt. Dirt. Dirt. Dirt. This dust gets picked up happily by the wind and blown around as if we’re just in a dirt bowl. The dust is often so fine that it sifts it way into everything. Nothing is immune from the dust. It is willful and determined and will succeed in getting into everything! Eyes, ears, sealed homes, cars…it doesn’t matter. We’re being “dusted” as I write this. It will take days to clear the dust. By the time I’ve cleared all the dust in my home, I’ll have to start all over again because the wind started blowing again!
Alas, Spring. I love it…but I do not love the strong winds that come along with it!
My most favorite thing about Spring though is that I can look at the calendar and know—just KNOW THAT SUMMER IS COMING!!!
Summer is THE best time of the year for me! I love the long warm days that seem to go on forever. Seeing the heat on the hot asphalt on the road waving in the sunlight serves as a warning…drink!!! Water, that is
Bar-B-Ques with friends in the back yard or at the beach, the lake or the river; riding the Harley across the desert and getting burned like a piece of fried chicken; going to a baseball game during the day is probably one of the most decadent things one can do in the summer. Beer and hotdogs, pretzels and peanuts AND baseball? Who can beat that?!