WHY DO WE IGNORE RED FLAGS IN A RELATIONSHIP?

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I was browsing the internet this morning like I often do.   I “surf the net”  instead of putting on that noisy thing called television.  I came across an article online…I think it was the Huffington Post, that I wish I’d read a few years ago. It was about RED FLAGS in a relationship.

I have ignored a lot of red flags, several should have sent me running as fast as I could and never look back.  Alas, I wish I knew then what I know now.

Why do so many of us ignore these red flags?  Some are subtle, some are very obvious, but either way we often tend to ignore them.  Why is that?

The girls all get prettier at closing time.  And the men get better looking. Right?  Well, I think that’s a red flag that we may laugh about and even ignore all the time.  Maybe just being at a bar at closing time is red flag behavior.  Maybe we ignore our instincts or “gut feeling” because we rationalize bad behaviors or try to rationalize that the flag is not really red, maybe just a little pink.   Maybe we tell ourselves not to be so darn picky, or have such high standards and that there is no perfect person anyway.  Hey, he may not be perfect, but he won’t be my last mistake either.

Do we deliberately ignore those obvious red flags because to acknowledge them might mean we have to admit that the relationship has failed?  We continue to hope that whatever we think is wrong, really isn’t THAT wrong.  Whatever may be causing these negative, depressed, anxious feelings will just go away. So we continue to look the other way and view the red flags as something we can handle.  Or we think being in a relationship with some red flags isn’t all THAT bad.  After all it beats being alone.  But does it?  Does it beat being alone when the red flags are so big they are actually eclipsing every day interactions, damaging the entire relationship, our relationships with others, our jobs, and potentially our own emotional and physical well-being?

In reality we probably already know the outcome. Maybe we only see what we want to see.   We don’t want to believe that someone may not want to be with us, not love us.  To acknowledge that would mean to that we’ve been fooled, lied to, played with and so on, which of course just hurts!  So we don’t do that, we don’t acknowledge what our instincts are trying to tell us. At least not at first.  We don’t want to think that we’re more invested in that person than they are in us.  After all, we’ve invested so much time in this person, this relationship!  We falsely tell ourselves that maybe the “issues” are our fault and we strive to become an even better person so that all our time invested has not been a waste.

Unfortunately, when we do that we actually make an agreement with ourselves that we’ll continue to waste more of our time on this relationship.  In reality, all we’ve managed to do is delay the inevitable, stall the breakup, hold off on feeling that pain.  Maybe we think we just do not have the guts or energy or financial means in which to end the relationship so we bargain with ourselves to just stay a little longer until something changes. It’s probably different for everyone…the red flags that tell us to run, but I can only address the red flags that I ignored when I first met my MONSTER MAN called Rick who shall be referred to from here on as pRick, because I think that is what he really is–among other unsavory personality/character flaws. You see pRick is a narcissistic jerk or he might be a sociopath or he might be both or have some other personality disorder that, if the DSM had photographs then pRick’s image would be next to several disorders.

Red flag!  Red flag!  Red flag! red flag 2

The first red flag that I ignored with pRick was LACK OF COMMUNICATION.  I didn’t actually ignore it, as I was very aware of it, so maybe I should just admit that I allowed it.

  • Lack of communication.  These individuals find it difficult to talk about issues or express how they feel. Often, when it would seem most important to be open and honest, they distance themselves emotionally, leaving their partner hanging, or having to deal with a situation on their own. Often, whatever is “communicated” is expressed through moodiness, and sometimes the dreaded “silent treatment.”     

That definition is pRick to a T.  In four years I think we’ve had two, possibly three meaningful conversations–ok maybe four. (But now I”m being generous).   Those conversations were about him and whatever he was dealing with, of course, because it’s always about him.  At first I thought pRick just wasn’t a chatty-Cathy sort of person and that’s ok with me.  I don’t mind quiet people.  But as I got to know him I started wondering if he really didn’t have much to say or he preferred to listen rather than talk.  No that wasn’t it.  I would talk and he would look around, at his cell phone, out the window, at the TV, whatever, occasionally looking at me, but I suspect he read somewhere that we’re supposed to maintain eye contact with people talking to us.  He wouldn’t respond to anything I said and I often found myself asking him, did you hear me?  He would almost nod his head in acknowledgment that I was saying….something. 38114190 Now don’t get me wrong, pRick did talk…about himself.  How great he was at his job, how he wasn’t appreciated at work by his boss, how others are getting paid more than him even though he’s doing more work and he’s more skilled than the others,  he’d talk about things he’s done in the past, where he’s been who he went with, he’d talk about his first and second former wives; he’d talk about women he had dated, he’d talk about his adult children; or he might talk about something he heard on the radio while at work.  What he never talked about was ‘us”, our relationship.  He most certainly would never ever talk about an argument we’d had or what might be wrong in the relationship or if I was upset with him about something.  Those topics were OFF LIMITS always.  If he was drunk then he would just chatter happily away about nothing substantial.  He also liked to talk about other people, friends we know.  He’d criticize them, talk about how “white trash” a couple of them were.  He would talk about a woman he met who he thinks is a “sweetheart and just so cute too!”.   While he was talking if I attempted to interject something, he would just ignore me, talk louder and faster and give no sign that I’d said anything.

During these talk sessions of his I had to be very careful not to ask a wrong question, or interrupt him.   If I did the result would be for him to get immediately and irrationally angry, he would stop talking, get sulky and surly and silent.  If we were out somewhere he would just abruptly leave, even if we came together in his truck.  He would leave me stranded and not care how or if I got home.  I have been with him, during one of these silent treatment punishments, in social settings where he would chat with everyone around him, but blatantly ignore me. If people were talking and I attempted to involve myself in the topic, pRick would constantly interrupt me–which was his way of telling me to shut up without actually saying it.  He is hyper conscience of the “image” he puts out “there” for the world to see and nice guys do not say shut up to their friends.   pRick liked the silent treatment and he used it on me as one of his standard control maneuvers.   He could remain silent for hours, days and went 6 whole weeks one time without talking to me.

This silent treatment includes all forms of communication, verbal, text or phone calls.  I would be subjected to complete and absolute silence from pRick until something would happen that forced him to talk to me, he had a question about something that he knew I had the answer to, someone he knows needs my help to do something or other.  Or occasionally I would just get sick of the silence and start talking to him as if “it” wasn’t there.  Whenever I did that, which is actually just about every time, he would grunt a response–when breaking that wall of silence don’t ask questions that can be simply answered with a YES or NO.  That doesn’t break the silence.  If pRick was ready to stop punishing me then he might grunt at me, mumble something at me or give a very brief response to whatever I’d said and I’d take it as a sign he was ready to ease up and I would start to talk as if nothing happened.  If he wasn’t ready to stop the punishment he would simply ignore me as if I wasn’t standing right in front of him and talked or he wouldn’t respond to my texts, wouldn’t answer the phone when I called. YOUR SILENCE I have been with him, during one of these silent treatment punishments, in social settings where he would chat with everyone around him, but blatantly ignore me. If people were talking and I attempted to involve myself in the topic, pRick would constantly interrupt me–which was his way of telling me to shut up without actually saying it.  He is hyper conscience of the “image” he puts out “there” for the world to see and nice guys do not say shut up to their friends.  I would get annoyed at pRick when he was subjecting me to the silent treatment and I would snap at him, telling him to knock it off or use sarcasm…I’d sing the line from Christina Perri’s Jar of Hearts song:

And who do you think you are?

Runnin’ round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

and tearing love apart

You’re gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul...

He was never amused however and he would tell me and everyone else that would listen that I have a bad attitude. MY ATTITUTDE PROBLEM YOURE AN ASSHOLE

It has always been my experience, in any sort of relationship after an argument or disagreement then the parties involved would talk about it, discuss why we had the argument or ways to avoid it in the future, etc.  Not pRick oh no.  There was no resolutions needed because he was right and I was wrong.  Plain and simple.  He didn’t need to discuss that because he already knew it and words won’t change his mind.  During the first year I marveled at that attitude, I wondered about it and I worried about it.  How can you just go throw life sweeping everything under the carpet?  After a while that carpet is going to get pretty lumpy and we won’t be able to walk on it.  pRick’s attitude would be: just move then and for him that could easily be translated into breaking up.  Lifting that imaginary carpet to clear the air simply never occurred to pRick.

Therefore, being in this relationship with pRick I had to change my principles of relationships and how to keep them healthy and running smoothly.  Even though I knew better and that it could lead to problems down the road, I allowed pRick to dictate the communication level or lack thereof in our relationship.  This often left me feeling extremely frustrated, devalued and that my thoughts, opinions or feelings were just unimportant.

Also, when there is no communication of any depth then misunderstandings happen, feelings of loneliness and depression can start to grow in the person who is being shut down and trust issues can start to blossom.

What red flags have you ignored?

red flag 4 obvious ones

Meerkats make the best photographer assistants (10 photos)

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Rose Chimera:

They just don’t look that small on Meerkat Manor!!!

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Apologize? No!

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I think everyone knows someone that never apologizes.  Ever!  They just won’t say I’m sorry, even when they know they are wrong, they simply cannot and will not apologize.   I wonder how that person manages to go through life without ever having to give an apology.  Don’t we sort of start learning that when we are toddlers?  The adults in our lives instruct us to “Tell your brother you’re sorry for taking his toy” or “Say I’m sorry to your sister for eating her candy”–that sort of thing.   So we do sort of learn to apologize even before we  have a full grasp of the meaning of an apology.

Apparently though not all people learn this lesson.  I know one such person, well I probably know a few of these unapologetic types but one person comes to mind.  I have noticed that this man spends a lot of time and energy always appearing to say and do the “right” thing, but I don’t think it’s because he’s trying to be a good person so much as he’s just working very hard at ensuring he never has to apologize for anything.  Even when he is wrong…dead to rights wrong…he will never apologize.

“Apologizing doesn’t always mean that you were wrong and the other person was right, but it does show the other person you value the relationship more than your pride”.

I actually find it annoying that this guy never apologies because he is really far from perfect.  As I’ve gotten older I have realized the value of an apology.  Even when I’ve done nothing wrong, it isn’t hard to say I’m sorry.  As in, I’m sorry you’re having a bad day;  I’m sorry you feel that way; I’m sorry things didn’t work out the way you planned, and so on.

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Interestingly, this man also does not accept apologies.  If you’ve done or said something wrong and try to apologize, tell him that “I didn’t mean to say that or I’m sorry I forgot to do that”, etc., he acts as if he just doesn’t believe that apology. He’s one of those that won’t accept an apology.  Sure, we all know it isn’t a requirement to accept someone’s apology but I think that says more about them than you if they don’t accept it.   Naturally, we can doubt the apology if they keep doing the same thing over and over…bad behavior for instance after apologizing for it would give evidence of a lack of sincerity.   I have pondered this question often over the past few years, especially concerning this one person.  I went looking to Google for possible reasons or an explanation…below is an article I found interesting.

5 Reasons Why Some People Will Never Apologize

It’s not just stubbornness. There’s something deeper at play.
 I’m sorry is one of the first things we’re taught to say as children, yet some adults refuse to apologize even when they’re clearly in the wrong. The question is: Why?

Elton John wasn’t kidding: Sorry seems to be the hardest word. Some people find it so hard to apologize that getting them to admit to even the smallest wrongdoing involves a major battle—and often a fruitless one. Although we might perceive the reluctance of these non-apologists as simple defensiveness or pride, often a far deeper psychological dynamic is at play: Refusing to apologize often reflects efforts to protect a fragile sense of self.

Apologies can vary greatly in their significance. When non-apologists bump into someone in a crowd, they might mumble a quick “I’m sorry” without giving it another thought. But the same person arguing about with their spouse about directions might yell, “I’m telling you the GPS is wrong, take this left!” only to find out the satellite system was correct—and still adamantly refuse to apologize, perhaps calling on excuses such as, “You take the wrong exit all the time, too!” or “That GPS is wrong half the time anyway—it’s not my fault!”

Similarly, when our actions or inactions cause someone actual harm, real emotional distress, or significant inconvenience, most of us quickly offer a sincere apology, both because it is deserved and because it’s the best way to garner forgiveness and alleviate the guilt we feel. But in these situations, too, non-apologists typically use excuses and denial to shirk their responsibility. Why?

Why Apologies Threaten Non-Apologists

For non-apologists, saying “I’m sorry” carries psychological ramifications that run far deeper than the words themselves imply; it elicits fundamental fears (either conscious or unconscious) they desperately want to avoid:

  1. Admissions of wrong doing are incredibly threatening for non-apologists because they have trouble separating their actions from their character. If they did something bad, they must be bad people; if they were neglectful, they must be fundamentally selfish and uncaring; if they were wrong, they must be ignorant or stupid, etc. Therefore, apologies represent a major threat to their basic sense of identity and self-esteem.
  2. Apologizing might open the door to guilt for most of us, but for non-apologists, it can open the door instead to shame. While guilt makes us feel bad about our actions, shame makes them feel bad about their selves—who they are—which makes shame a far more toxic emotion than guilt.
  3. While most of us consider apologies as opportunities to resolve interpersonal conflict, non-apologists may fear their apology will only open the floodgates to further accusations and conflict. Once they admit to one wrongdoing, surely the other person will pounce on the opportunity to pile on all the previous offenses for which they refused to apologize as well.
  4. Non-apologists fear that by apologizing, they would assume full responsibility and relieve the other party of any culpability—if arguing with a spouse, for example, they might fear an apology would exempt the spouse from taking any blame for a disagreement, despite the fact that each member of a couple has at least some responsibility in most arguments.
  5. By refusing to apologize, non-apologists are trying to manage their emotions. They are often comfortable with anger, irritability, and emotional distance, and experience emotional closeness and vulnerability to be extremely threatening.  They fear that lowering their guard even slightly will make their psychological defenses crumble and open the floodgates to a well of sadness and despair that will pour out of them, leaving them powerless to stop it.  They might be correct.  However, they are incorrect in assuming that exhibiting these deep and pent-up emotions (as long as they get support, love, and caring when they do—which fortunately, is often the case), will be traumatic and damaging. Opening up in such a way is often incredibly therapeutic and empowering, and it can lead them to experience far deeper emotional closeness and trust toward the other person, significantly deepening their relationship satisfaction. Published on May 29, 2013 by Guy Winch, Ph.D. in The Squeaky Wheel

Yup, that #4 sounds like this guy I know and #5 sounds like him too.  I wouldn’t call him an anger ball necessarily but I am familiar with the sense of having to occasionally “walk on eggshells” around him so as not to make him mad.  I can say for certain he is more comfortable with emotional distance rather than closeness.  But that does seem sort of a sad and lonely way to live doesn’t it?

Now I suppose there are SOME things a person can say or do that an apology just won’t fix.  Oops!  I’m sorry may never be sufficient for crimes against people, child abuse or rape and murder, etc., but it sure would help the victims, maybe. It can’t hurt can it?  After all during sentencing of criminals the family members of the victim gets to deliver an “impact statement”.  Often the victims and/or their friends and family members remark that the convicted showed no remorse, he didn’t even say he was sorry!

In this society, people are often angry, irritable, even self-centered…but at times a very simple, quick and sincere apology can actually brighten one’s day.    For instance, imagine you are racing to work, running late and someone cuts you off, if they apologized for it, maybe that would be enough to prevent that road rage demon from rearing its ugly and dangerous head.  Or you’re really craving a freshly brewed cup of coffee while you are on a road trip, you arrive at the convenience store and they have just run out of coffee, they can make a new pot, but I’m sorry it’ll be about 15 minutes.  Would that make a difference to you and your mood?  Probably.

Does anyone else have a non-apologetic person in their life?

apologize-brave-forget-forgive-happy-Favim.com-448031

GRIEF HELPS US LOVE BETTER

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Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something, a spouse, a close friend, a beloved pet, even a plant… that has died.  I find it rather curious that society doesn’t pay much attention to this grieving thing.  Oh you have the first few hours after the death then the funeral that people do pay attention to.  But after that?  You’re pretty much on your own.  Grieving the loss of a loved one has physical, emotional, social, spiritual and even sometimes financial responses and dimensions.  least acknowledgedBy the way, bereavement refers to the state of loss while grief is the reaction of that or to that loss.  Often the terms become interchangeable, but for me they are both entirely different.

Its natural this grief thing.  Suffering from the loss of someone you’ve loved that is taken away.  Usually society connects grief with the death of a person, but people can also grieve in other ways, loss of things familiar to you, losing your job that you heavily relied on to pay your bills.  Loss of your health, or the end of a relationship that didn’t end in death.  I’ve felt many of those different types of grief, but the one I had the most difficult time…the one most challenging is the grief over the loss of my husband.  That one has been, at times, debilitating.  Even now on the anniversary of his funeral I feel the loss–his absence.

However, this loss of a love, one so important, so intimate, so deep also taught me something.  While grieving it occurred to me that we must love one another better.  What does that mean exactly?  Well, for starters I realized that the things Mike and I argued about were in fact just stupid.  None of the “issues” were worth fighting about, not in the grand scheme of things, and while we were bickering we were squandering time.   I learned this early on, after Mike’s diagnosis, but I didn’t apply what I knew until a few months later.

Where I live, the trash is picked up on Mondays.  Each and every single week I would remind Mike to take the trash out to the curb and each and every single week he would forget.  TrashCans_0521The first time I had to bring in the trash cans, after his death, I was dragging them up the driveway.  It was dark and cold and I was alone with nothing but my misery, my grief and my thoughts for company.  As I was dragging those trash cans up I remembered how many times I had complained to him, take them out!  You didn’t take them out!  This time though it hit me…it just doesn’t matter.  The trash gets taken out or it doesn’t.  So what?!  It isn’t all that important, not when you consider everything else.  I wasn’t immune to my stupidity while I was bringing the trash cans in…no, in my grief I loved Mike even more right then because once in a while he would remember to take the stupid trash cans out and that was a special thing. I thought…if only I could do it over again.  If only I knew then what I know now, that is just doesn’t matter.  I LOVE HIM and that really is all that matters! Now?  He will never take them out because he’s gone, but I know that it just doesn’t matter who takes out the stupid trash cans.

Loving better means, at least for me, to not sweat the small stuff, to not get riled up about the stupid crap that comes out of people’s mouths.  At work, I just don’t care that the people are unhappy.  I see their unhappiness as mostly self imposed and that there IS a better way of doing this life thing.  I am no expert at it and I’ve been failing lately at being forgiving, at being understanding and mostly at being able to ignore some people who just really have no clue, at all.

However, on the flip side is the possibility of letting too many things slide without attention.  Within my grief I’ve lost tolerance for some and gained tolerance for others.  Its a curious thing really.  I’ve had people in my life that have just really insulted me, hurt my feelings, disregarded  my very existence and I let them slide…in what I consider bad behavior.  Why do I do this?  Oh I don’t know entirely, forgive them because they are drunk and stupid and clueless I guess.  Or forgive them and ignore them because they simply don’t know, haven’t learned the lessons I’ve learned.  Those are lessons I don’t wish on anyone.  Or forgive them because if I don’t then I’ll have no friends?  Pfffftttt that’s a stupid reason to allow abusive people to stay in your life.  One person in particular that comes to mind has really been bothering me for a while…over 3 years.  You can’t say I didn’t give her a chance!  Even despite knowing what I know I think I have finally reached my maximum tolerance of this person.  I know she doesn’t know me, not really.  She didn’t know Mike and she didn’t know Mike AND Me so she sort of gets a “pass”…but she used that “pass” for over 3 years!  Oh she can be kind, generous and even charitable.  BUT she is also a self proclaimed alcoholic and she does drink…a LOT!   Once she has had about 10 or 18 cans of Natural Light in her system then she starts talking like she is Dr. Laura, which she is most definitely not.   But in my opinion, everyone has value, everyone has something to say….even if its slurred.  But at times she really talks but makes no sense.  Other times she’d down right insulting to me personally and while I’ve never exploded on her, its because I have gone through the states of grief and know that life is complicated and she doesn’t know that.stages of grief

So what brought on this “final straw” with her?  She had a dog….a Husky come into her yard.  This dog was young and it got along rather well with her other dogs.  I should mention these dogs are part pitbull and rottweiler and something else…in other words, mean and not trustworthy.  She also has a German Shepard that has bitten me, causing deep cuts to the inside of my knee.  I did tell her that it was a good thing we were friends or her homeowner’s insurance would be paying a claim in 30 days.  Anyway, her dogs are old and cranky now and not entirely sociable so when this young Husky came bounding into the property, she decided to keep him/her.  I told her she can’t and she has a responsibility to find its owner.  She didn’t like that, but neither did I care.  Her mother posted on social network the dog and so did I…along with her contact numbers, cell and home.   For the record I didn’t post it in the public arena, only in local/private groups.  However, this absolutely inflamed her!!  She text me over and over and finally said….”lose this number”.  Ok, I can do that.  I can do that because I know now, in this grieving thing that life does not need to be this hard, this difficult, nor this toxic.  I’m ok with losing that number.

Its been a few days now and I’m still ok with losing that number although she did text and asked if she (and husband) could come over this past weekend. I said, naw, not right now.  I am just done.  I know the difference between love and indifference after all.

Grieving has taught me that life is short…way too short! For sure it is too short to waste on stupid people…not the low IQ sort, but the humanity sort of stupid.    That people I care about need to be respected.  They need to know I care about them and I try to tell them I care about them and I am grateful for our friendship.  Unfortunately, the people in my social sphere are not always privy to what I know so they don’t understand completely why I make a point of telling them I care about them.  Although there are a couple, Christina and Rene that are capable of hearing my positive affirmations of their character and that I deeply care about them without a sarcastic scathing comment in response.

Grieve makes us love better.   I do love this “friend” but I know she doesn’t love me.  That’s ok too, because I think I just love anyone now who gives me the time of day.  I didn’t before because I didn’t have to, but now I am alone and I find it essential to be nice, to be loving, even when I don’t feel like it.   Regarding this “friend” I don’t know if she knows the full meaning of love.  For that I’m sad.  Or maybe she does and she just doesn’t love me!  lol  If that’s the case I’m ok with that too.

I miss Mike and I love Mike, I think I love him more today then any of the days we were married.  I didn’t know that cancer would steal time, I didn’t know that our foolhardy arguments would squander time.  BUT I do know all of that squanders time and for that I am sorry, for that I regret not knowing then what I know now.

Ultimately I guess what I have learned consistently is that it just doesn’t matter. All these personality quirks or whatever they are.   I know that life really does revolve around love….whom we love, what we love, how we love and it IS the most important thing in life!