Valentine’s Day, again.

English: Broken Heart symbol

Current mood: sad

Valentine’s Day, again.  Same as every year isn’t it?  Well not for me, not this year.  This is my first Valentine’s Day without my husband.  My good friend Alina has warned me over and over that this is going to be the hardest time.  The year of all new firsts for me.  Of course I anticipated how hard the first Thanksgiving would be since Mike had just died twenty days before.Then there was Christmas without him for the first time too.  Yes, those days were heart wrenching.  Those days are predictable though aren’t they?  I can anticipate days to be acutely painful this first year such as his birthday or worse, our anniversary.  Father’s day too will be hard for our kids; but we know that and can somewhat brace ourselves for the onslaught of painful memories.

Of course there are days that pierce my heart unexpectedly.

Days like Valentine’s Day.  Every where we’ve looked for the past week or so we see images of happy couples together, smiling, holding hands and all kinds of assorted other things that couples do.  We get to be assaulted with commercials and other media that tell us if we really love the one we’re with than we have to spend no less than $1,000 on them to show them the depth, width and height of our love.

However, I don’t have my husband for Valentine’s Day this year and never will again.  What do I do with this day?  Hide out because I’ve now been relegated, although unwillingly to the “loser’s” club.  Those folks who have no one to share Valentine’s Day with.  We’ve all seen them while we were in relationships.  Did I see them as losers?  No, but others did I’m sure. If you’re alone, like me on Valentine’s Day don’t dare go out to a restaurant to treat yourself to fine dining.  Not with all those couples waiting for a table.  Those couples out because that’s what we do for Valentine’s Day isn’t it?  Go out to dinner. All those couples sitting right next to each other, romantically at a cozy table for two.  Each person in the couple smiles at each other and remembers for a minute that they love each other.  Or at least feel grateful that they have someone, even if they don’t really like them…someone to spend Valentine’s Day with. People stay together that would normally break apart for the sake of having someone special to spend Valentine’s Day with.  Break up later on in the week after you’ve had your candy, flowers and a nice dinner out.

I did get a Valentine’s Day present this year.  Not from my husband though, no it was from than the President of the United States because of my husband.  It came yesterday and reads THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA HONORS THE MEMORY OF MICHAEL ALLEN McKEEVER.  THIS CERTIFICATE IS AWARDED BY A GRATEFUL NATION IN RECOGNITION OF DEVOTED AND SELFLESS CONSECRATION TO THE SERVICE OF OUR COUNTRY IN THE ARMED FORCES OF THE UNITED STATES.  Signed by George Bush.  It has a gold embossed seal at the top and written on fine linen paper.  I liked it and appreciated it.  Mike died in the VA hospital so even after 3 months and 10 days after his death, they still remember him.

My daughter  reminded me yesterday that I never did like Valentine’s Day.  But it wasn’t the day that I didn’t like.  It was the fact that guys are soooo pressured to perform in magnificent ways. Just for one day.  According to the media and apparently most women out there the guy is the one who is supposed to spend a month’s salary on the woman.  Why is that?  Moreover, what I didn’t like especially was my husband feeling as though HE HAD to buy something for me.  Heck I was just happy having him home early.  I hated the thought of him working all day and feeling the pressure to produce something for me according to the guidelines set up by society to show his love for me. He was busy at work, every day.  I got him at night; let his boss have him during the day.  The last thing I ever wanted to do was to be the cause of more stress for him, just because the world seems to think that Valentine’s Day is the day to spend money on your special partner.

What about each and every other day of the year?  Shouldn’t we show each other that we love them each day?  Not just that one special day when everyone is looking and everyone has expectations?  The greatest gift to me from my husband was his daily love and support.  Oh sure he bought me beautiful things on Valentine’s Day, but he bought me beautiful things through out the year too.  Isn’t that really what Valentine’s Day should be?  Everyday.  Show the one you love how much you love them each and every day, not just one day a year.

You never know when they might be gone.  Suddenly out of your life….forever.

All that leaves you with is regrets and horrible thoughts of wondering if he knew I loved him  But once they’re gone, you’ll never be able to say those words “I Love You” to them again.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we all heard each and every day someone tell us that they loved us?  Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to tell someone or respond to that special someone each and every day I love you too?

I would give just about anything and everything I have to be able to tell my husband one more time that I love him….and oh what a wonderful gift it would be to hear him say to me, I love you too.  Let’s not waste another minute or let another day go by without turning to the one we love and tell them we love them.  It’s a wonderful gift, more than any money can buy and it’s worth it.

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