Four days after the trial…thoughts

Jul 16, 2007

As I sit here four days after the trial.  I consider all that has transpired over the past 8 months.  Then it crosses my mind that I’m in slightly angry with Mike.  Annoyed might be a better description.  Oh sure, there are those people that would tell me its “normal” to be mad at Mike.  But I don’t agree.  You see I understand that those people mean that it’s normal I’d be mad at Mike for dying.  But I’m not.  Because I know the truth.

The truth is Mike absolutely did not want to die.  He didn’t.  It isn’t as though he recklessly rode his Harley into a brick wall.  Nope,  the silent killer cancer came into our lives.  Not by choice and not by design.  So how can I be mad at an innocent victim?  Mike was a victim of pancreatic cancer.My children and I were also victims of pancreatic cancer.  We’re stuck here on earth trying to make sense of it all.  Trying to find purpose that helps us to continue on without our anchor, without our champion, without our compass.

But today I felt for the first time anger toward Mike or angry at him.  Because if he hadn’t married the wicked witch, or if he had not died, or if he had come from better parents I wouldn’t have to be dealing with the DNA and the ex now, today in my life.  Sure, I’d have to deal with Mike’s death.  The loss of him in my life;  The loss of someone who knows me so well that I can talk to about everything and anything….and the loss of someone who can deal with the mess of things in life for me.  Normal steps after a death.  But I got 4 months to deal with all that.  Then the lawsuit hit me.  It’s been 8 months since Mike’s death and half of that time I’ve been litigating.

Certainly Mike and I discussed the potential for what Becky (Insanity) might try to do.  We were well informed about her capacity for litigation and her lust for money. After all we had fought her since 1995.  She wanted money and we wanted time with Mike’s son Ryan.  So we’d offer $100 per weekend and she sold the child for the money.  We managed to buy enough time that we had him half the time.  Then we had him all the time.  Then we had him none of the time because Insanity bought Ryan back with a promise of a car that he didn’t have to share with his half siblings, my children.

So Mike and I knew what she was capable of.  We knew it!  What we didn’t know was the hate that his parents were capable of.  Mike and I were fools.  We were unsuspecting.  We were naïve to the way of his parents.

Never in a million years would Mike had figured his parents would side with his first wife, whom they admitted often they always hated.  Never in a million years did I think those cold hearted people who never accepted my children despite Mike’s plea to do so for 12 years, would side with her to sue their son.  Because what they don’t realize as they are quite ignorant is that they are not suing me, they are suing Mike.  So far all they have gotten is a stipulation that I agreed to that Mike owed her.  They are diligently trying to get me put out on the street, to owe Insanity $100,000.  But I don’t.  Mike may or may not owe it, but it’s clear that I do not.  So they continue to sue Mike.  His parents suing their son, using his exwife to do so. Now they will use Ryan.  Ryan is the next contestant on the Wheel of Fortune.  Not a game show you’re likely to see because it’s ugly.  The qualifications of greed, pride, arrogance, hate and selfishness get you a seat at the players table.  But like a craps table, you may or may not win.

But I’m mad at Mike for our collective stupidity, our lack of vision to see where his death might lead me.  The quagmire of greed.   It’s ugly and it’s tedious.  It’s boring and it’s scary.

At the urging of Mike’s parents, Ryan will now join the case of the divorce.  A minor child who is an adult joining his parent’s divorce to sue his dad so I can be put out on the street.  It’s mind boggling and to me it’s just plain…well, odd.

The family court can and will, if Ryan is successful, force me to sell my furniture and furnishings to satisfy the 100k debt only because I was married to Mike when he died.  The family court can and will, if Ryan is successful force me to file bankruptcy simply because I cannot pay my dead husband’s debt. The debt is an unfair debt but because I was married to Mike when he died I won the grand prize of living without him for the rest of my life.  I also get to become indebted for the medical bills of his last illness as well as having to deal with the chore of disposing of his clothes, his personal items, his “things”.  His parents on the other hand…..as well as Becky…..their lives have not altered one bit.  The parents still have a son and a daughter.  They still have almost $10,000 a month coming in from his Sante Fe Railroad retirement, they obviously still managed to have a ferocious appetite as their waste bands are visibly expanding everytime I see them and Becky, well she still has her condo, her $50k + income, her 401k retirement, her car….her boyfriend…her life.    Nevermind that Becky never loved Mike…she used him as a paycheck as is evidenced by her constant lawsuits against him for money. 

Nope, their lives haven’t changed.  Mine has.  My daughter Gabrielle’s has and my son Austin’s has.   Ryan’s life hasn’t changed either, curiously.  As one would imagine that Mike’s death would have a slight impact on his life at least.  But no, Ryan continues to live his life as the anointed one.  As the one who everyone is worried about. The one who everyone fights for.  The one who is the golden child and needs protection.

So, yes I got angry at Mike today because he died while he and I were naïve and ignorant to the potentially bad legacy that his death would cause.  I figure he should have known, or I should have known that his parents wouldn’t take his death laying down as they have convinced themselves that I did not do enough.  What I did do wasn’t enough either.  So I killed their son.  Let us remember though that they had a parent die of pancreatic cancer so they should have known what was to come.  They didn’t warn us, they didn’t tell us, they didn’t help.  No they sat back and were judgmental and critical and weak.  Now they seek from me payment for that debt.  A debt that I do not owe, but their parents might as those parents obviously did a disservice to their children when they raised them to be greedy and arrogant and selfish. 

Mike was none of those things, how did he come from a family such as that?  Why did Mike let those people in my life and the life of my children?  Hope?  Hope that they would be different?  That’s naïve you see when he knew his parents.  He knew they were ignorant.  He called them stupid.  And he called his mother mean.  Why then did he bring them in? 

So you see I blame Mike for being the kind hearted, generous, forgiving soul that he was and for dying too soon for not taking care of his first wife and his parents before he died.  Now I will tell you he tried to. So hard did he try to talk to his parents.  But they turned a deaf ear to him and his wishes.  His wishes were that they would be there for me when he died.  That they would love his two other children for him after he died.  They said they would but they lied.  Lied to his face.

But he’s gone now and I’m left behind to deal with his parents, his sister and his first wife and now his son.  It just makes me mad.

The anger is only mild and is certainly temporary for as I realized I was mad at Mike for all of the junk he left behind, it all just makes me sad.  Sad that he came from such nasty stock and sad for the boy that had to endure the ugly type of childhood that had to occur with those parents and sad that Mike and I were too stupid to know better that his death would cause so much anguish to be dealt with in the cold and sterile and unfair courtroom in family court.

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