It seems to me that I suffer from anxiety every day. It causes me to have fragmented thoughts, hard to breathe and lack of motivation. In the past the anxiety I would be hit with motivated me to go into a flurry of activity. It helped to abate the symptoms.
I know the source of this anxiety, that’s the kicker for me. I KNOW why I’m anxious yet I am unable to do anything about it! That frustrates me which causes the anxiety level to increase with is frustrating even more so and the horrible cycle continues.
The weather has turned to fall cold and windy. At one time I would dread the fall and winter months. I found them incredibly depressing. Now? I find the weather fitting. That its cold and windy provides me a convenient excuse to not go out of the house.
I don’t want to interact with people. Well…certain people. I’m waiting for my BF of 16 months to leave town. That will happen in 3 days. 16 months of a emotional roller coaster ride which when I think about it was mostly (admittedly not all) his doing.
The job market being what it is here in the Wastelands is non-existent. He looked, I helped him look yet no job offers at all. He has decided to move out of state (the next state) to work on his brother’s home which is under construction.
I asked him, “what did you envision happening with us?” He said, “I don’t know. I didn’t think about it.” Well thank you for the honesty while you pearce my heart because you didn’t bother thinking about a future of us after 16 months. I guess that’s it then. Right?
I have no control, no choice, no say in the matter.
Control or lack there of is something I struggle with. Its my life too, right? How come I don’t get to have any input?
He picked a fight about two weeks ago. He has lost his home to foreclosure and he was slowly moving his things into my home. Slooowly moving his things. He picked a fight, which I fully understand makes it easier for him to emotionally separate from me. However, I did tell him that the fight was unnecessary. He’s old enough to know how to do this break up thing I think.
I noted that it took him days and days and days to bring his things over to my home. I told him a dresser was available for his clothes, he never opened a drawer. I told him to put his clothes in the closet rather than letting them hang in the laudry room in the way of foot traffice. He didn’t. So I did. There are many empty closets in this huge rambling house that he could have chosen but didn’t.
He came last weekend to get his things and my observation is this: He grabbed EVERYTHING he’d brought in a matter of one hour. I think that’s interesting. It took him a long time to move his things in, which was basically clothes and hand tools as the furniture remained in his home.
Its laughable the difference of time moving in and moving out.
While I know the roller coaster I’ve been on with him would be a good thing to end, I wonder why its causing me anxiety to do so. I love him but I know intellectually that just isn’t always enough.
Am I afraid of being alone? I don’t know.
Am I afraid of never meeting another person? Not at all because there’s a million people in the same position I am in and it would be irrational to think I would never meet another.
So I asked myself what the fuck is my problem!
Is it simply a combination of many factors? Getting layed off, money worries, boredom and no social interaction, the weather changing, BF seems indifferent..actually he isn’t indifferent he’s merely self-centered each and every one of those could be enough to cause the anxiety. To combine them all…ugh.
I know the solution at least the beginning of a solution is to just get up, get out of my bed, get out of my house and DO something. Just one thing a day until my head is clearer and life doesn’t hurt quite so bad. I tell myself today…naw…tomorrow I am going to do A, B and C. Tomorrow comes and I say the same thing, Tomorrow.
Is it self pity I’m feeling? I don’t think so. It feels more of a lack of direction and focus and an agenda. No goals, no dreams and nothing good in the immediate future.
Its depressing. Its boring. Its pathetic. I’m depressed, bored and pathetic.