If I just lay here…Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

Daily Prompt: This Is Your Song

Take a line from a song that you love or connect with. Turn that line into the title of your post.

Chasing Cars

I heard this song for the first time in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy a couple of years ago.  The character Izzy had fallen in love with a patient that had a heart condition.  Part of the storyline was how far would you go for someone you loved?  Izzy did what many would say was wrong, but she loved him!

My husband had been dead for only about two months when I saw that episode.  I had not watched much TV the past few months because I was really just wandering around in a black fog.  I don’t know how or why I chose to watch this show, this episode, this time.   Maybe in my grief I just needed to see it.  To know that someone somewhere understands what misery I am in.

The character that Izzy loved ultimately died while she had gone to change into a wedding dress.  A wedding to be performed in the hospital.  During those scenes this song began to play….

I sobbed, while I watched Izzy realize her beloved had died. She crawled into his bed and just sobbed and sobbed. (about 3:40 mark in the video)

Her world as she knew it–as she dreamed her future would be–died too.  Her friends, fellow interns, could only stand and watch.  The pain is extreme and no words can ease it.

I thought, wow!  The directors or whoever is responsible for the production of this episode—this scene—got it just right!  The music and Izzy so emotionally destroyed she couldn’t function.  Eventually another character grabbed her off the bed and took her home.  Where she laid on the floor and sobbed some more—just broken.  They got it JUST RIGHT!  The emotions, the fear, the pain, the I’m going to lay on the floor here and don’t care what someone might think because it hurts so incredibly bad!!!  There are some of those scenes from that episode in the video above.

While my husband suffered from pancreatic cancer it was so painful that he couldn’t sleep in our bed any longer.  He could tolerate sitting on the bed with his back against the headboard for only a few minutes at best.  No matter how many pillows we used to prop him up, it was just too painful for him.  He slept in a large beanbag chair that a friend had given us.  Mike was a big man 6′ 3″ and about 240lb.  This chair was big enough that it allowed him to lounge comfortably, albiet in a mostly sitting position with his arms and legs supported.  I would sleep in our king-size bed while he slept in the corner of the room in that beanbag chair.  We became separate in a way; because of cancer.  Sleeping in the same room but separate is cold, harsh and lonesome.  We were physically separate but not emotionally.  It was hard to pretend everything was going to work out in a positive way.   That our sleeping apart became a necessity it did not make it easier for either one of us.

One night he just got up and got into bed.  He said, “I just want to lay here.  I want to forget about the cancer. I want to forget my mean parents in the other room. I just want to lay here with you and forget everything for a little while. I just want to lay in bed with you.” 

He just wanted to ignore everything else, to have that perfect moment between us and to forget all the bad things that was going on around us—to us…

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

We’ll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don’t need
Anything
Or anyone
I don’t quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They’re not enough

When you’re in love, “I love you” can’t fully express how you feel; especially when the one you love is dying.  It’s said too often, too casually, to give the full meaning that you have inside.

Let’s waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I think chasing cars is symbolic of how we may chase something but will never quite catch.  Maybe chasing cars is meant to conjure images of a dog chasing a car, in the spirit that it is endless, impossible and yet fun, hopeful and a bit crazy.

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

You find a peace, a goodness, a happiness in that person, you want to be able to find it inside yourself, so that they feel the same way with you.

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see

Could be metaphoric for you seeing yourself reflected in their eyes and you feel like you are a better because of them. Like you are even a part of them, and they are of you.

I don’t know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

You may not remember where or how you met them, but you know you love them and you know that you want to always love them.  You don’t know what is going to happen later, but you don’t want to stop being in love with them.

To this day I cannot hear this song and remain dry eyed.  Its the whole song really, not just the line:

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world

Snow Patrol-Chasing Cars 
Songwriters: LIGHTBODY, GARY / CONNOLLY, NATHAN / QUINN, JONATHAN GRAHAM / SIMPSON, TOM / WILSON, PAUL
Advertisements

22 thoughts on “If I just lay here…Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

  1. This post made me cry…I have never seen that show but the song is for myself and my husband…we have sung it to each other while dancing…sang along with it in the car…The words are profound and moving. More so now then ever. In our case he is the one that is healthy and I am the one with pancreatic cancer. I can feel your pain and sadness….and I am so sorry for your loss.

    Like

    • Thank you for reading and commenting. YOU have pancreatic cancer?! I don’t know quite what to say except I’m kind of scared for you. I suddenly have a million questions…when were you diagnosed? What stage? What were the first symptoms? Are they treating you with chemo? Is the whipple procedure something they’ve talked to you about? I don’t want to be invasive but I know the cancer well as you may know if you read my “about me” section.

      Like

      • I did read your about me section after I started reading through your blogs. I didn’t realize at first, it was one of those I found you through someone else’s blog and read your “raven” poem and ta da…our roads crossed. When I first realized what was going on in your life I almost walked away. And then I realized that your pain is so tangible I couldn’t turn a blind eye to it.

        I know your husband and mom were both diagnosed with this evil disease. I am considered stage IV BUT I was diagnosed September 22, 2011! So over a year so far. I am very lucky. No whipple for me at this point, it is inoperable and in my liver…BUT..lol I have so many of those “buts” in my life. I could one day be operable. I live in NYC and am being treating by one of the leaders in pancreatic cancer research so I am in the greatest hands in the world.

        And you are far from invasive, we wouldn’t blog if we were touché about that 😉

        Please do not be scared for me, you have enough to deal with. I am good. Honest. And in a great place right now! But thank you for the concern for a stranger 🙂

        And please, reach out if you ever need too…grief does so much to us it builds a cage around us…and losing the one you love is bad enough. Being trapped in loneliness and memories is far worse. ((Hugs))) to you!

        Like

      • I’m glad you didn’t walk away. Though I wouldn’t have been offended if you had, not that I would have even known! Lol!

        You are lucky, or I see it more as blessed. To live so long with this horrible cancer is truly a blessing considering the odds.

        I am relieved that you are comfortable with your treating doctor(s). That is important! And yes, if you are receiving chemo therapy it CAN shrink the tumor; kill the cancer cells to the point where they can cut it out. Ok, I won’t be scared for you. 

        But I’m sorry I can’t help to be concerned as I know you must have a bad moment or day once in a blue moon. If you do I hope you plan on writing about it…you’re not alone even though your readers, like me, may just look like words on your screen. There is a person behind those words just like you!

        and (((hugs))) BACK to you!!

        Like

      • You are right, I have those moments when I huddle in my bathtub…with no lights, no water just an empty tub and cry as quietly as possible. But tears help too sometimes, they get rid of the buildup…But I may right about it, I never really thought of writing of those times.

        Thanks so much..I look forward to corresponding more and more =)

        Like

  2. This song was never the same for me after that episode. grey’s is honestly one of the best written shows i’ve watched…
    someone above used the word “humbled”. I think that’s an appropriate word. reading your blog puts into perspective my own experiences and..well..lack thereof.,
    For izzy, its almost comforting to know that he continued to exist for her even after his death. that she felt his presence in the hospital. its like hes still there… and i think thats true for you too.
    thanks for sharing

    Like

  3. Dear Rose, I so sympathize with your pain. Keep crying; it’s good for you. My husband was murdered 20 years ago, but I feel well healed now. The first year was the hardest, and the fifth year anniversary of his death revealed how healed I was as I forgot it was his death day. Love in Jesus, Marriott Cole

    Like

  4. Rose Chimera, I am so glad you found me in your wanderings through blog world. Your post made me cry too. Now we are even. Well, not really, just thank you so much for not being afraid to show your pain so honestly which is a testimony of the love you and your husband shared. Can’t articulate well, but hoping you will get that your post and blog has truly moved me. warm regards, R

    Like

    • R…lol..I’m glad we’re even…I guess. I’d rather have lol’d heartily at your blog and you at mine. But I guess it is what it is, right?

      Thank you for your kind comments, I do appreciate you taking the time to stroll over to my blog.

      You articulated quite well actually. I completely understand what you were saying…and again I can only thank you.

      I don’t know how to write the truth of what happened but to do it honestly, including the pain. I know I’m not the only one that has gone through such a horrific event. If I sugar coated it, if I left out facts, it would show I think. To anyone reading the posts that has gone through the loss of a loved one, they would know I was lying or glossing over or just plain in denial. I can’t do that. I’d be lying to myself above all else and that’s a waste of time.

      Like

  5. This is such a cliche, but I feel your pain. I”ve lost FOUR people to pancreatic cancer including my mother, and they still keep telling us that it’s a rare disease. If I ever have any money again, I’ll be sure to donate a goodly portion to medical research so maybe our future loved ones won’t have to suffer like this.

    Like

    • Its only a cliche when it’s delivered without sincerety, IMO. Four people? OMG I am SO sorry!!! I don’t think its a rare as we’re told. Last time I checked there was over 45k people in the US and the numbers much higher in Europe of people dying yearly for pan can. How many does it take to die when it becomes common?! There’s very little money spent on research, they don’t know why, or who, might get it. There’s no real treatment…some that will buy some years but absolutely no cure. There’s not even a chemotherapy regime that is identified for this cancer. They use other drugs that work for other cancers. Some is better than none.

      Additionally, I think the numbers are wrong. The “cause of death” is written incorrectly. For instance, my mother had pan can, died from it eventually her organs quit working, one by one. The cause of death certified? Heart attack. I know that wasn’t right at all. Her heart was fine, before the cancer.

      If my mom’s cause of death was wrong…how many others are there that are also incorrectly documented? I think if the causes were accurate the numbers would be much much higher; then maybe it wouldn’t be thought of as rare!

      Thank you for reading/responding I appreciate it. I hope you have fond memories, great photographs, wonderful storytellers in your circle of friends and family to help you with the losses and with keeping their memories alive!

      Like

  6. Thanks for sharing Rose. Sometimes the only way I can describe how posts like this make me feel, is humbled. I bow my head, close my eyes, and breathe in the experience of your loss…the last moments of a single life, the last moments of your entwined lives. I am so sorry.

    Like

  7. I don’t watch Grays so I’d never seen that scene, but that song always makes me tear up. It’s haunting. Combine with the snipets from the show, I”m full on crying now.

    Like

    • I’m sorry. For your tears. I don’t watch Grey’s anymore either. I can’t imagine them topping that episode. Though I have a friend who constantly tells me they have and do. I’ll take her word for it and not anticipate portions of my life (though artistically done) played out on TV. I pace myself!

      Like

      • I’m trying really hard to keep watching the show. Despite the episodes that tear my heart out – I’ve invested 8 years into the characters and I want to see how the show ultimately ends. Some days though… its so freaking hard to watch. There’s a part of me that wants to go back and watch the season with Izzy & Denny and relive that…. I probably won’t – but there’s a part of me that wants to.

        Like

      • I feel the exact same way….wanting to finish the series with the characters but not wanting to. I see clips of that episode with Izzy and its enough for me….too hard.

        Like

  8. I had sort of forgotten about that episode. I remember when it happened and thinking WOW! that’s amazing how they got that right… and at that point, I didn’t really get how right.

    Two months after my Mark died… I watched the season opener of Grey’s Anatomy… this season’s. The one where they turn of Mark Sloan’s life support, and slowly watch it slow as they sit around loving him. When my Mark died… it was almost exactly like that. We turned off the machines, and sat around loving him while his monitors showed everything shutting down.

    I needed the cry and the emotions that showed up from reading this… thank you.

    Like

    • I’m sorry. About Mark. You saw it like I did…that’s my life right there on screen! Once in a while they just get it right. I remember thinking then as I do now, whoever wrote that sequence had to…just had to have lost someone. How else can they capture it, the lines, the acting, the music…so exquistely perfectly if they hadn’t lived it.

      Thanks for reading…I am sorry for your tears. ((((hugs))))

      Like

      • Tears are cleansing… healing… and oh so necessary… I remember after Mark died, I climbed up in bed with him… I remember saying that he wasn’t in pain anymore and I wanted a last snuggle… because he had been in pain for so long I couldn’t snuggle him aside from half snuggles and only if he’d just had some morphine…

        Like

      • Yup, I did that too…with Mike. Finally, for a minute I can lay with him, my leg across him like we would lay before cancer…for a minute it won’t hurt him. *sigh*…his pain ended mine began. Marks ended yours began. Yes, tears are cleansing…if we don’t cry the pain and grief just goes inside and that’s just not good.

        Like

Tell me what you think...

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s