I know something I don’t want to know….

I know something…

about my daughter. she’s 28 years old and I know something about her.

Its ugly and it hurts and it is destructive.  and I know.

And she’s a victim.

And I’m her mother.

And I can’t take the pain away.

And I found out by accident.

And I hate the internet for giving me the information.

And I’m glad the internet told me what I didn’t know.

And I hate…

and I hurt…

and I cry….

and I want to have a lobtomy

and have what I know now, removed from my head.

And I don’t.  Because I know that what I feel as a mom is NOTHING compared to what she feels as a victim.

And I want to kill him.

And I know she wouldn’t, doesn’t want that.

And I know he stole her innocence.

And I know he continues to do so to others.

And I know I cannot do a thing about it.

And I know that my daugher is mad that I know.

And I know my daughter is scared that I know.

And I know my daugher thinks I will load one of many guns I have and find him

And shoot him dead.  But I don’t know his name or where he lives….

And I know that my daughter knows that I won’t rest until there is retribution.

And I know there will be no retribution because I have 14 years of experience working for a defense attorney…

And I know now that there is no evidence but her word against his…

And I know he’s a monster.

And I know he has done it before,

And I know he has done it since.

And I know he sent her emails asking her “to come over because his wife is out of town..”

And I know there’s a special place in hell for a man like that…

And I know she was overwelmed by all of it….dad dying of cancer….this man being inappropriate AND having to attend his class.

And I know that it doesn’t matter to many but it matters to me. And  to her, my daugher, my baby girl.

And I know that my life changed when I found out.

And I know that I want to take back from him what he took from my girl.

And I know that I’ll never be able to do that.

And I know that my daughter will never get an apology.

And I know that my daugher now suffers from PTSD from the experience.

And I know I hate the man that stole my daughter’s innocence while her father was dying.

And I know I hate him to his cellular level.

And I know that God help him…that I do not find out his name.

And  I know that my daughter KNOWS this about me..

And I know that my daughter will not tell me his name…

And I know that she will not tell me his name because she is afraid

And  I know she is afraid for me…that I will go and shoot him dead in his tracks.

And I know I will…

And I know I will feel ok with it

You MF!!!!! YOU stole her!!! You stole her innocence!!! OMG  you stole her trust in MEN, in humanity~in life…and you MFing POS  you dare to email her and invite her to come to your house while your wife is gone?  I hate you.  I hate what you have done. I hate what you do.

But I will find you. I will find you out. I will expose you.

And I know that my daughter knows I will let her manage this monster now in her life.

And I know that I died a little bit more when I found out.

And I know that I wish it never happened to her.

And I know it didn’t happened to me.

And I know I wish it did happen to me instead of her.

And I know that God embraces her and loves her…

And I know that doesn’t help a victim.

And I’m mad at some guy whom I don’t know what his mother calls him.

And I want to hurt him.

And I want my daughter to stop hurting.

And I hurt because my daughter hurts.

And it is not my story…

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13 thoughts on “I know something I don’t want to know….

  1. How utterly heartbreaking! As a mother to a very young girl I cannot even imagine what you must be going through as a parent! My heart goes out to you and to your impossibly brave daughter. I wish you both healing.

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  2. Rose,

    I am so sorry for your pain and for your daughter’s pain. I pray the Lord will comfort you both, and that He will restore your daughter’s hope and bring peace to you both…

    Love,
    Cheryl

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    • Actually she is IN counseling. Has been since it happened in fact. She first wrote about the “incident” to her therapist as she was unable to SAY it she told me. The therapist did not keep the letter or email or whatever it was she sent. It isn’t taboo so much as treading around on shattered glass. She is the glass.

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    • T, the timing is sketchy, she isn’t providing much details to me. I think the reason for that might be 3 fold: 1. She doesn’t want to discuss the details, 2. She doesn’t want me to DO something to the perpetrator and she worries that I would if I knew his name, 3. She has made no decision that I am aware of but I thought she had. Perhaps she did until she discussed evidence, statute of limitations, and other legalities with me as far as going to the authorities about this professor at the community college. He is still teaching there as far as she knows. Per her request I have sat on my hands and not looked to see who he is. It wouldn’t be THAT hard, a male biology teach at the local college? I know the area where he lives too, which is a gated type of exclusive community. I think I could find who he is. I promised I wouldn’t. So I won’t. I wait on her to work through it and she knows now that I know….

      Oddly or curiously it did not give her comfort to learn that I had discovered this secret of hers. She didn’t want to tell me now. When it happened my husband had just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, she says that “it would have been selfish” of her to tell me then. Its not selfish now though but I suppose she wants to work it out on her own.

      It has been buried for a couple of years now and she was working with a client who “triggered” this. The client was relaying the fact that she had been raped. Yup, that would be a trigger for my daughter alright.

      Time will tell I guess..

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      • Hi Rose, sorry for the delay but I had to do a weekend workshop for a course I’m taking so I went “dark” for the weekend. I read up above that your daughter is in therapy, so that’s one good thing. At least she’s working through it with a professional. That’s really important – her mind, her emotions, her health, those are the most important things. She’s alive. That’s huge. She survived.

        The urge to find him … well that’s pretty normal. Anger makes us want to get even, especially when we want to avenge our precious loved ones. The only thing is the long term consequences due to the law, police, etc. Acting upon those impulses – however much every mother on earth might identify with you – may leave your daughter without a mother, to all intents and purposes.

        I can’t possibly guess as to her reasons for why she does not feel comforted that you know about it. Maybe it has nothing to do with the fact that you know but just how you found out.

        I remember my mum did a harmless Google search for my husband (not sure why but I’m sure she didn’t mean anything bad by it) and he found out. He knew about it because she found some website where he’s registered and apparently it shows who has clicked on your account. Anyway, he could see that she had been looking for him and found him.

        I don’t even know why myself, but I felt angry at her! It doesn’t seem to make any logical sense and I’ve tried to understand it, but that’s how I felt. And my husband felt the same. It’s strange because I asked her about it and she didn’t try to hide it or anything. She was just seeing what kind of Internet presence he has, if any. It may have been idle curiosity because she was bored, I don’t know.

        But that was our gut reaction – to feel angry. I’m not saying that our reaction is right, and I don’t even understand it. It’s not like she tried to hack into his email account or anything! So it’s weird and I don’t know *why* some people feel that way, but they do. And again it was a case of a “mother” finding something about her son-in-law (kind of like a grown up child) and she got a similar reaction from us that you have received. And we didn’t even have anything personal or sensitive for her to find! We just got really defensive about it.

        So I guess I’m just trying to say that even if it’s hard to understand why your daughter is angry, or doesn’t feel relieved that you know about it, it seems to be a common (or at least not very unusual) reaction and *might* just be that you stumbled upon it without her being aware, rather than the fact that you know. But again, I don’t know since I’ve never spoken to her and all I know is what you’ve written about it.

        Maybe it’s about her needing to feel in control. After a trauma such as she endured, the need to feel back in control again is probably very important. Maybe when you found that information without her explicit consent, (such a very significant word under the circumstances), she felt like she had “lost” control of the situation again to some extent and has reacted with disproportionate anger to how most people would react. I certainly don’t know if that’s the case. It’s just a possibility.

        She might have a heightened sensitivity about her privacy now, which would be understandable. Just ideas. That’s all I’ve got. The mere idea that someone has seen something of hers which was personal without her express permission/consent/agreement etc might be a trigger for a very negative “over” reaction.

        And while it is (I’m assuming) a public blog which endless strangers or friends might read, as her mother you probably do represent an older authority figure and someone who has held a position of power and influence over her. It might just have touched a nerve is all.

        You’re being tremendously strong about it, and maybe it might help you to focus on the fact that your daughter is alive. She’s alive. Whatever else happened, or happens in the future, the most important thing in the world is that your baby girl survived.

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