I took the day off from work today. I simply did not want to go, more today than usual because I really hate my job. Today is the anniversary of Mike’s death and I cannot help it, but it still hurts, especially on days like today. I found myself teary eyed yesterday while driving to work, being at work and then on my way home. I knew it would be worse today than yesterday. Though its not as bad today as it has been in the past. That’s improvement, right?
Reviewing my previous posts I do note that I have not finished the Solemn Anniversary “series” and fully intended to work on that today. Maybe even finish it…though that just might be a little optimistic at this point.
Having the inability to give myself the permission to just sit, relax and do nothing I decided that today might be a good day to start cleaning out the bedroom that was Mike’s office. It has been unused for the most parts for several years. The biggest piece of furniture is Mike’s desk. It is full of things he used for work, files, ledgers, keys….so many keys that were used to open hundreds of locks. I have no idea what they go to, but I’m sure none of them unlock anything in the house so they are for all intent and purposes trash. Unless I wanted to re-purpose them and make something like a wind-chime made out of keys of different sizes, shapes, colors, etc. Maybe I’ll get to that later or not, likely not, but its good to have goals.
I did run across a tape recorder, with a tape still in it.
It would be considered old-fashioned at this point with so many new gadgets available, but it did still worke. I rewound the cassette and pressed PLAY. I waited for a minute, heard nothing but static and rustling and then I heard Mike whisper, “good job baby.” That was it. I wasn’t expecting it as I had no clue what, if anything, was on that tape, but to hear Mike’s voice on the anniversary of his death made me just stop and stare at the recorder. I played those three words over and over again listening to Mike whispering to me, “good job baby”. I wonder if he’d still say that today after all the mistakes I have made with my life since his death.
I left the recorder with its cassette on the desk. His voice…if I could only hear his voice one more time–that is what those that are grieving, including me, think and say and feel. And suddenly I did hear his voice!
I used to call his cell phone to hear his voice, but since it was a company cell phone his boss deactivated it. No warning to me, he just did it and Mike’s voice was forever gone for good.
Hearing those three words, I was immediately engulfed in emotions that I cannot even begin to identify. When just for a moment the pain made me catch my breath, when briefly the heartache rose up to the surface of my heart and thoughts of missing him, I let all that sit there in that room, on the desk and walked out of the room…to deal with another day.