Q. After the relationship ends, can I still be friends with a narcissist?
A. Would you be friends with Ted Bundy knowing what you know about him? Would you be friends with someone who cannot care about you? Would you be friends with someone who disrespects you, looks down on you, views you as non-human and wants to control you?
What’s the motivation for wanting to be friends with a dangerous person who will destroy you if just given enough time?
The heart of this question lies in the fact that you cannot have ANY kind of healthy relationship with a narcissist because you cannot set boundaries high or firm enough that they won’t eventually barrel over and demolish. These dark traits aren’t ones the narcissist picks and chooses to use based on the deservedness of who they target and the fact that they tell you they won’t hurt you or “want to be your friend”. What a narcissist means by “being your friend” and what YOU mean by “being friends” are such two different realities that they will never ever be reconciled or copacetic.
They are driven to act out their entitlement, rage, shame, competition, power and envy on others. They have an agenda and you are a means to an end, not a human being. This is who they are and will never change.
Narcissist’s will play the friend card when they want to manage down YOUR expectations, all the while demanding that they have free reign to all areas of your life, time and resources as if they’re your intimate partner. If you ever get upset about things as a “friend” they will remind you liberally that you accepted this watered down version of a relationship on their terms from the get go.
The potential harm, danger and consequences of allowing a narcissist in your life is too great. There are too many unforseen, immeasurable lows that they are quite capable of stooping to that cannot be predicted; their disorder is a malevolent wild card. The only thing predictable about their behavior is that it will be toxic and it will be unfair to you.
We’ve been told enough times to be careful of the company we keep. We are responsible for the choices we make about who we let close to us and who we keep at a distance. We keep our distance from narcissists because their “closeness” causes us to go off track, our focus is forced to shift to them, their dramas, their flattery & manipulative charm, and before we know it, our lives, peace and sanity are HIJACKED. We’re always forced to defend ourselves or offer our time and resources to “help”, love and care for someone who ultimately doesn’t want help, but just wants someone to drag into the drama with them to share in it with them and take the burden of it, because they won’t be responsible for it.
We must keep our distance from people with out of control egos and selfish agendas to use us as their own toys, playthings, past time or ego prop.
It isn’t natural to desire to be close to a predator who has the potential of such danger towards us. Our responsibility is to PROTECT OURSELVES from a predator.
Being friends with a narcissist is fool hardy and ultimately speaks volume as to our beliefs about what we believe we deserve to have around us. If we’re comfortable being in the presence of these dark people, we’ve got more work to do to look out for ourselves and our value.
What’s the narcissist mean when they say they “Want to be friends?”