Why I Am Here In The Blog World

Why do I blog here?

Because…it helps me stay sane.

Why do I need help staying sane?

Because my husband, my soulmate, the love of my life passed away.

My husband Mike on our wedding day…                                                                             

                                  

Mike and me, 2 weeks before his passing…

      

He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died three months later.  All cancer sucks it does but this was a horrific battle for us.  It was almost impossible to get him treatment, the insurance companies don’t like cancer diagnosis.  It costs too much money to treat!

His death left me numb except for incredible sadness.  I had invested my entire being into Mike.  What he liked to do, where he wanted to go, who he called his friends was ok with me as long as he was happy.  I had NO IDEA who I was when he died.   Except I knew one thing I went from wife to widow.  BAM!  Just like that a whole new title for me.  A title I did not want.  A title…a label I knew nothing about and certainly a new way of life I had not expected so soon in life.

Mike and our kids…

Everyone my husband and I knew and I truly mean EVERYONE left me.  After the funeral there was no one.

They scattered to the four corners of the earth, vaporized into thin air or just dropped off the face of the earth because not one soul stayed around.  Did they think cancer was contagious?  Or was Mike’s death too hard for them to handle?  If so, did they think it was easy for me?

THEN…6 months after Mike’s death my mother was diagnosed with the same cancer…

Mom and me…

Like Mike, mom lived only 3 months after diagnosis.   It seemed too much for one person to handle…too much for me to handle!  How can life be so cruel?  WHY?!?! is life so cruel?

Since I had no one but the talking heads on TV to interact with I turned to this site…to vent, to wonder, to ponder, to explore, to reflect, to try to figure out what am I going to do with the rest of my life?  I’m working on it.  I’m working on finding myself, this battered and heart sore person.  I’m working on finding hope in life again.  I’ve seen glimpses of it but nothing sticks.  So until I’ve picked myself up entirely and dusted widow shroud off me…here I remain…

25 thoughts on “Why I Am Here In The Blog World

  1. You’re such a beautiful and amazing person. My sincere condolences for the loss of those beloved in your life. We need more people like you in the world who’s paying it forward with motivation rather than money. Stay true, thank YOU! 🙂

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  2. I am touch why you are blogging and can relate after the funeral people seems to disappear in their own little world. One thing I can say for sure, don’t let your suffering go to waste. And I can say for sure, you are using it wisely, now. Thanks for sharing. God Bless.

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  3. It seems there’s this idea about how long you should grieve and then you should be fine. Like it didn’t happen. Like you didn’t watch cancer steal away the life of someone you love. Life is should be just fine even though there’s this huge hole that you can’t fill because someone is gone. Then you are left to heal not only from death but from the horror of pancreatic cancer. I’m so sorry for your losses. Take care.

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    • Thank you Kathy, but I know you know how it is. I’ve learned that when a person dictates a time frame, or insists I should be over it–or anyone else who has lost a loved one–should be over it. They mean no harm, usually; it simply indicates they have not gone through it. They are clueless and we shouldn’t be offended. Which is not to say that it doesn’t get annoying at times. I have had a few people tell me, “I know exactly what you’re going through I was divorced…” uh no, its not the same at all. It really isn’t. Yes there’s a grieving period for those that are divorced but there also remains a hope that maybe you’ll still see each other, work it out, be civil. But death is final. Never to see them, hear them, touch them again. It is not the same. That does bug me I have to admit. All death is hard for the ones left behind, but I may be biased here, it seems pancreatic cancer is horrific and hard and so darn fast that one can barely get one’s thoughts in line before death comes. As you said, it leaves a huge hole that cannot be filled. Ultimately though I wouldn’t wish it on anyone

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  4. I am sorry for your losses. I too know that feeling of loss and abandonment. After my husband’s sudden death 3 months ago, I was surrounded by people for a week or two and then the loneliness became the only thing I could be sure of. While our situations were completely different, the end result was the same. I lost my soul mate… my best friend. I too had to trade in my “wife” title for that unwanted title… “widow.” I pray for strength and peace, and will ask the same for you too. Keep writing… I know it helps me when the world seems its darkest and loneliest!

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    • Oh! Its just happened for you! I am so incredibly sorry. Empty words I know but not from me as I’m there with you.

      I’m curious, if you don’t want to talk about it, that is fine and no offenses taken whatsoever…but do you know why the people left? They dwindled away? Or all just went poof? Have you wondered why? I sure did…still kind of do. They are different people of course yours and mine…but they did the same thing! Why?

      Three months…I guess you’ve passed your probationary period now, right? I’m not making light, I’m being sincere; alas I revert to sarcasm when I talk about painful stuff. But 90 days…now what? I’m further along than you are, but I still ask myself, now what? Who am I?

      I can tell you this with a promise…its gets easier. Over time it gets a little easier; not EASY but easier. It will.

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    • I’m sorry I read your blog this morning…of today’s date. I saw that it was 3 months. I completely understood your dogs reactions. Mine did that…they still do when they hear a Harley driving by. They stop what they are doing and listen for it to pull in. When it doesn’t they turn at look at me…heartbreaking.

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  5. I was so touched by your story. For everyone around you to be so awful while you were going through this is unbelievable. And pancreatic cancer (I refuse to give it any dignity by capitalizing it) is one of the most terrible diagnoses out there. And you had to go through it twice!

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    • Thank you for your comment AND reading….yes it was pretty horrible while I was in it. Even in retrospect sometimes I laugh (perhaps inappropriately) because when I put it all together–“it” being the events from Mike’s illness to my mom’s and all that happened in between it sounds like its fiction.

      How can a person just manage to keep going faced with adversity like that, trials and tribulations? I don’t know but I did. I managed. We all do somehow. By the grace of God or a good bottle of aged whiskey! lol

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  6. I don’t want to *like* this because there’s nothing to *like* about cancer or issues with the pancreas. I totally understand about blogging to keep sane – without my blog, I wouldn’t be as healthy as I am.

    ((((HUGS))))

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  7. I clicked “like” but it was more of an acknowledgment. My wife also succumbed to pancreatic cancer. Thank you for sharing your story. I look forward to hearing (reading) more from you in the future.

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    • Thank you for the “like” I understand the acknowledgment aspect of it. Please accept my sincere condolences of the loss of your wife. Pancreatic cancer is horrible and we that are left behind are part of a club that we never wanted to join. How can you explain the battle with pan can to someone who hasn’t ever heard of it let alone, dealt with it? I’m not sure it can be done. 😦

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  8. Hi Rose Chimera – you’ve been through a lot, and (unfortunately) I can relate. Thanks for writing. It really DOES help, doesn’t it?!

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    • It does help, the writing. But also what might be even more helpful is the responses/comments. The acknowledgement, such as yours that they aren’t just words written on the wind that no one sees. Thanks for reading.

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  9. Hi Rose. I can relate to now knowing who you are, I did not know who I was either. It is quite common for widows to feel that way. There have been numerous widows go through the grief support group I facilitate who say the same thing.

    It is also quite common for people to disappear after the funeral. I lost friends but God put new people in my life.

    Keep blogging, it is one way to help change society’s attitude towards us widows. (I hate the word too.)

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    • Thank you Michele for reading AND commenting. I will keep blogging. I keeps me sane! lol. Yes God does put new people in our life. Some we keep, some we don’t. I always ask, is this person in my life for me? Or is it for them? Or for both of us?

      Widow is an ugly word….now that it’s close to Halloween I can only view black widows and connect them to Widow/Widower. Yuck!

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  10. Thank you T for letting me know you read it I appreciate it. I agree you do survive somehow and keep on living. I waited for something to happen a long time. I guess I got tired of waited for whatever it was I was waiting for so as is necessary when we’re “left behind” by a death we have to pick ourself up and carry on. I don’t think this life is all there is either! 🙂

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  11. Hello Rosechimera. It’s hard to know what to say in response to something like this. I just wanted you to know that I read it, and I care. You survive somehow. You keep living. And I guess you wait for something to happen or for enough time to pass when things start to feel different and less awful. At least this life is not all there is (at least, that’s what I believe).

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